Mike Sinkovich Tells You How It Is

Play Music With Some Balls

Before we begin let's remember what used to be, as in, what was before. Come with me if you will, to a land before mass commercialism of music, before boy bands were seen as actual musicians, and even, and let your imagination leap with me on this, when people in the music industry wrote their own music. I know, I know, it's just ridiculous to think of such a thing but just humour me.

Now, imagine a portal for emerging and talented bands transmitted to the public through, say oh I don't know, television. TV if you will, used to display new and classic bands for the 20th century, but who could we use to present such a classic in modern music cabaret of exciting music I hear you scream. Well what the fuck about Jools Holland....he knows his shit right!? I mean, after all he's a professional musician, he can tell shit from shinola right!?

Oh hi Arnie how are you doing? How's the state Governor gig going? Yeah, sweet, what did you want to say anyway....? No arnie say it into the microphone so everyone can hear you...

"WRONG"

Ah thanks Arnie. Yes that's right, big fat fucking wrong. Apparently Jools has either lost all sense of what is good and bad in musical terms, or has done way too many drugs for his own good. Either way the outcome is not good.

If there is one thing I have had enough of it's the wet flannel band extravaganza. No more. No more pussy arsed bands whining about their incubated babies, their un-requited love and their inability to fit in regardless that none of the band members age below 30. It's like being annoyed to death with a wet wipe and I refuse to sit here any more and allow every fucking radio station to dictate that we should be excited by this music. This is not music, this is a bunch of idiotic pricks who think they have something interesting to say, but forgot to check with every song written of the past 100 years, and their own testicles.

So fuck them, I don't need bands to inform me of pussy assed issues like their babies being in intensive care. I don't care, on any intensive level, so take your baby of wires, pull the fucking plug and shut up. It will save the environment in nappies anyway. One less landfill.

I ask one simple thing from any band, and it's not hard to accomplish. You don't have to have gimmicks or be famous. You don't have to have been on an introspective trip into yourself during your travels around India. All I ask is this. Rock with some fucking balls man.

That's right, get some fucking balls, and rock that shit. Music is meant to make you feel, it's meant to attempt to induce the feelings in me that you felt when you wrote the fucking song, so grab my fucking balls man and let that shit rock, don't dick about with mandolins or chello's like some music undergraduate pussy. Let it fucking rock, what are you afraid of?

Oh and one more thing. You could never, ever, be the Knopf. So don't embarrass yourself trying.

New, From AKON, It's Urban So Buy It

Yes blud innit, totally badstyle music from tha reeel badbwayee Akon. I dunno what is name is baat blud but check deeze rhymes he be blowin from is new toon wat be about bein in prison an shit...

"Locked up,
They won't let me out,
Locked up,
They won't let me out."

Yes yes blud, that's like a true true, like, finkin about bein in prison an shit. Powerful shit blud, true dat. Check deeze rhymes from his ovva toon about bein lonely an shit...

"Lonely,
I'm all alone,
Lonely,
I'm all alone"

Whaa dat be some crazy crazy lyrics he be throwin dawn blud, fo true blud. Now, check out these future bass kickin toons from AKON, bound to blow tha cones outa your nova fo true blud. Boo.

Riding on a bus
"I'm sat down,
the bus is going,
I'm sat down,
the bus is going"

Takin' a sheet
"I'm squeezin',
shits comin out,
I'm squeezin,
shits comin out"

Buying some beer
"I'm payin',
I just bought some beer,
I'm payin,
I just bought some beer"

Shoppin' in da supa'market
"It's bleepin,
I'm chekin' out,
It's bleepin',
I'm checkin out"

I could go on forever.

Tag Children, Stop The Shit Music

I hate kids. Little bastard kids running about, standing in shop doorways when you're trying to get in, shouting about something meaningless when all you want to do is buy a bottle of vodka and some lighter fluid so you can get drunk and set fire to things while trying to ignore the fact that life isn't getting any easier.

Toddlers, fine, they should be allowed out as they haven't figured out how to piss me off yet. But as soon as they hit 11 they should be gagged so no-one has to listen to their pointless fucking talking about things that I don't care about or they have no knowledge of. I know this seems unfair seeming as I too was an 11 year old, but you see I was a badass 11 year old and if you had met me when I was a kid, you wouldn't want to have any of your own, ever, because you would know they could never be like me.

After signing out of shitty hotmail today I noticed a link to a "10 worst cover songs of all time" style article on MSN. I usually ignore this shit, but the alternative was working so I decided to see what they had in there. To no particular surprise there was the usual Will Young, GGGareth Gates etc. pop shite that everyone knows is pop shite but for some reason gets released and makes it to number one.

Two problems then presented themselves to my truly ingenious brain...

a) If everyone knows this shit is bad, how does it sell so well, and who keeps buying the shit from every manufactured band/singer/mime-artist that the industry churns out?

b) How are these talentless wankstains allowed to record these cover versions?

...before long my squidgy grey think muscle had remembered that I need some more shampoo, thought about sex, considered wanking, decided not to have a wank right now, remembered I have no money to buy shampoo, calculated the average time it would take to go to a cashpoint, decided greasy hair looks rugged, remembered that chicks dig rugged dudes, thought about sex, then worked out the answer to the above questions.

a) Everyone knows the "it's the little 12 year old idiot kids who get suckered into buying this shit" argument, but is it true? how many of the little fuckers are there? Is this children of the corn, are there just cities full of brainwashed kids queueing up round the block to get their copy of Will Young's new album "Bumlove's Child"?

According to the National Statistics Online figures, 20% of the UK population were under 16 in 2001.
If we take that as a generous 3% of the population are exactly 12 years old then we get....

UK population: 58,789,194
Total Number of 12 Year Olds: 1,763,676   (note: too many)

Total Number of Copies Of "Will Young - Evergreen" sold: 1,108,269

Therefore: 665,407 of those 12 year olds were either too fat and lazy to go any buy a copy, didn't want to buy a copy (doubtful) or were being abused (character building) throughout the week of its release.

...My conclusion to this is that yes, we are surrounded by little kids who get to decide what music is popular. Kids who have shit taste in music.....get to decide what will be played on most radio stations.....little kids....my radio. No I'm sorry that's a totally cock idea, and to reverse this horrible state of affairs I say we tag children with excessively painful chips in their heads so that whenever they buy a single, it can be counted and excluded from the sales number for that record. Then we sit back, and watch the real record sales reveal themselves. Goodbye GGGareth

b)  The problem with cover songs is the original artist is so desperate for the cash to fund their exponential drug habits they will happily sell the rights to their songs to the next boyband that wants to pretend they are musicians. To stop this, I propose we form a board of music judges that every person who wants to record a cover must approach. As the head judge of this board, I will confer with my deputies and we will decide if it is acceptable, and check it against a list of no-no's. Simon Cowell will also be tagged so if he attempts to enter the building his genitals will explode, alla Running Man, but focused more on the jizz-sac.

Once again, I have the definitive solution to another problem with the world, gratitude is welcome as is cash and all major credit cards. If you have any ideas as to how the tagging could be implemented, you know how to contact me.

Remember, it has to be painful.

Finally This Shit Is Over

Busted are responsible for roughly 30% of the inky black hatred that pumps around my body, and now they have fucked off. Excellent, no more inane songs about, I don't even know what their songs were about. Disco's or something.

I hate these posh little assholes running around on stage and pulling faces like they've just had their first wank while making millions by being the corporate cock suckers they are. You can almost see the puppet strings pulling them up as they do that fucking irritating simultaneous jumping crap. They are not "pop-punk", they are not "rock", they are just public schoolboy's with rich parents who sucked the giant slippery nipple of the corporate cash pig and creamed off the teenie-bopper profits with the record companies. If only the space-race was just beginning today, we could save the lives of monkeys and just shoot these lumps of walking smegma out of the atmosphere.

Here's Busted appealing to kids who want to rebel against their white middle-class parents, but don't want to upset them too much. All you need is a bottle of peroxide and the ability to look concerned/confused or to contort your face into an expression that makes me want to smash your teeth out with rusty iron bar and make you drink bleach.

They're so cool and alternative, they're just what the children need, a real role-model to look up to. Here kids, do you have no talent, a £20,000 education and don't mind being moulded into any form by a faceless corporation in order to sell benign music that you didn't write? Well do what these fuckers did, squash your little faces in the cash-pig underbelly and suckle away you little bastards. It's how Daddy got his BMW and why Mommy's face never sags despite the endless passage of time

If you're worried you're posh and you're not going to make it into the underground world of hardcore CBBC shows to literally thousands of screaming 10 year olds (with parent supervision) then the simple transformation you must complete is seen here.....

 

But no matter how hard you market them as "alternative", you just can't stop their Tory up-bringing from shining through...

"Accused of being a "Tory boy" by Jay, former public schoolboy Simpson told Tatler magazine: "I don't really like politics but I've always grown up with their views - the Torie's way of doing things. I just prefer it.""

(read this fascinating political insight here)

...roughly translated into non-bullshit this would sound something like "My dad said I could be in Busted as long as I didn't get ideas above my station and bad mouth the immoral political ideals that paid for his huge fucking house, five BMW's and my education while fucking this country's industry into the ground".

But now it's all over, thank the sweet lord I don't believe in. All that is left is to watch the big-eyebrowed ones new band "Fightstar" (I think it's a reference to an underground public-school-boy game where you punch each other in the face then kiss) dispense truly inspiring lyrics like...

"I'll find you, I'll find you, I'll take you there. I'll be fun, I'll be fun"

.... before flopping onto it's face to lay dead in a pool of it's own blood and girly tears. I've heard lyrics on tampon adverts that rock harder than that crap.

I don't even know how people could ever seriously entertain the idea of any of these retards being respectable musicians. They sold their balls to Pepsi  for fuck sake, that negates anything you say or do until your are dead. Pepsi probably owns the right to turn their gravestones into flashing neon commercials, but hey, isn't your credibility worth £500,000?

Don't answer that, you'll just make me angry.

Pop music makes me want to mainline bleach into my balls

I was just thinking of how to start expressing my hatred for this subject when, like some giant turd fired from a shit-turret in my wall, Franz-fucking-Furdinand come on the TV. What a starting point.

Pop music, I swear I didn't always hate it as much as I do now. I never used to like it, but I tolerated it as an acceptable music form when I was young, I mean, you could never expect all kids to get into music through acceptable channels. It's the gateway drug of the music world, if you will. Gives you a slight, watered down taste of what awaits you, but never pulls the rug from under.

When pop music was exactly what it's abbreviation entitled, it referred more to young peoples music. Fine. Now it means some manufactured, make-up caked bunch of fucking hags or ponced up blokes prancing around on stage in some teppid fucking dance routine to a meaningless piece of shit song about "love".
Fuck off, you never wrote the song, you didn't write the music, I have more artistic outbursts when I twat one off to Liz Barker on Blue Peter.

The worst part is, we've  set this whole culture up where it is simply accepted, jesus we all lie on the fucking sofa and watch as the corporations parade talentless, vacuous wastes of sexual effort infront of us to vote on,

"here, create your fucking celebrity, give us more money to fuck your culture, read the celebrity news articles, buy the trite albums, we will tell you what is cool now shut up and create your fucking icon"

Real music has taken a back burner while this mediocre shite is pumped down our radios, into our shops and around our bullshit-material-collection outlets. Fuck you, take your fucking watered down sentiment and piss it out of your money-grabbing assholes.

The mere fact that almost 100% of music single sales are to 12-15 year olds should be enough for people to ram-raid their nearest radio station, shoot the self satisfied DJ in the balls , take all their playlist and burn it then make the entire nation listen to dark side of the moon to remind them what the fuck real music was about. What has happened to everyone, does no-one else hear the shit that echoes around this whole goddamn nation?

Like I said, I think music is an important part of any childs upbringing, shit, it's mandatory as far as I'm concerned. But when your kid starts putting busted posters up on their walls, or bounce off the walls when robbie-iamsofuckingpleasedtobeme-williams is on the telly it's time to sit them down, and calmly smack them with the wake-up hand. Here little Jonny, I want you to meet a good friend of mine, he's called Joe Strummer and he's going to teach you something.

It's got so bad, even most of the "rock" music of today is so dire I want to throw TV's at old people. People tell me "why care so much? They're not hurting you, just leave them alone" yeah well, when you're old and lonely and lying around waiting to die and you look back on your generation and think..

"well what will mark my generation's voice througout history"

.... what are you going to remember? Busted? Franz Furdinand? Usher? Yeah well fuck you, fuck your numbed, emotionless bullshit corporate pop-shite. I'll be rocking out to Hendrix getting my knob polished and swigging on a bottle of Jack until the doctor calls time of death.

I suggest you join me.